Monday, 31 December 2007

Lamentations 3:19-24

I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall.

I well remember them,
and my soul is downcast within me.

Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him."

Tuesday, 4 December 2007

Only one word left...

Well...I have run out of words.

I guess there's only one I need to remember right now:


Saturday, 10 November 2007

'Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.' - Philippians 4:8

Here is something that fits all those categories:

'God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.' 2 Corinthians 5:21

I will think about this.

Thursday, 8 November 2007


the only thing that keeps me going is the hope of seeing Jesus face to face.

in the times where I feel like the pain will never end, all I can do is close my teary eyes, whisper the name 'Jesus', and rest in the knowledge that He will return, I will see Him, and all this stuff will be made right.

I have to talk to myself, out loud, and tell myself that the gospel is true, that grace is real, that God is in control and He loves me, that He uses even pain for good in the lives of those who love Him.

God makes me aware that the Bible is the only place I will find truth, and so I cling to it for all I've got.

I remember that God is my shelter in this storm.

I forget.

God gives me eyes to behold His beauty and love Him for it even when everything else is making me hurt and cry.

things just hurt and everything is black.

I wonder how much more painful this world could possibly be...and yet know that there is much more pain in this world than I have ever even begun to taste.

This is one of those times.

But in the time when Jesus returns:

'He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.' - Revelation 21:4

Tuesday, 6 November 2007

A song...

I am hard pressed on every side
but I'm not crushed
I feel pulled to pieces but inside I know I'm not
Feel's like the world's caving in
Find it hard to breathe
The water is rising won't you come and rescue me

I'm on my knees
O God please come to me

I fall into your loving arms

You wrap me up and I'm secure
Patiently you whisper to me you have a plan
To hold on it won'r be long and you understand
You know my every need
You won't abandon me

Sick inside today I'm struggling to pray
And my head is spinning cause I cannot see the way
I'm in need of direction
everything seems so unclear
O my God are you out there or is this falling on deaf ears?

I'm on my knees
O God please come to me


Miracles You will do
as I come and put my hope in you

- Lou and Nathan Fellingham

Monday, 5 November 2007

Friday, 2 November 2007

Splurges of a muddled mind...

Here are some of the contents of my mind at the moment:

THE FUTURE - what should I do? How long for? Where? When? What are my motivations?

It would be cool to be either really big or really small.

WORK - burdens, confusions, stresses related to my job.

Autumn is nice.

Where has my passion for the gospel gone?

I keep imagining I can hear an old lady grinding her teeth and it's making me feel a bit on edge!

I need a hug.

I need to learn lots of stuff about prayer.


Sunday, 14 October 2007

Grace, grace, grace

“Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behaviour. But now he has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation - if you continue in your faith, established and firm, not moved from the hope held out in the gospel.” – Colossians 1:21-23

Sometimes I have moments where everything seems wonderfully clear. It doesn’t seem simple or easy, but it seems obvious what it is all about. Life is drenched in God’s glory, flooded by grace. Even now as I sit at my desk, my room beset with shadows, and life feeling similar, I feel so utterly covered by wonderful grace.

Once I was far away from God, even opposed to Him…and yet He saw fit to send wave after wave of mercy washing over me, opening my blind eyes to enable me to see and gaze on the beauty and worth of Jesus Christ; lifting me out of the mud and cleaning me up; giving my heart a new song to sing, a song of joy where before there was only despair; shining His light into the shadows of this dark heart; wrapping His arms of love and forgiveness around me; welcoming me into His family; taking away my guilt and shame; giving me clothes of righteousness to wear instead of those old filthy rags I had been clutching at; and giving me an indestructible hope, the hope of the gospel, the hope of glory, the hope of peace with God, of eternity with Him.

And do I deserve any of it?

A resounding NO!

Because this is grace…this is God’s undeserved mercy on a sinner.

And there is nothing I am more thankful for right now.

Tuesday, 9 October 2007

This is a skill I am trying to perfect at the moment:

Being able to fill a hot water bottle with my eyes closed - knowing when I have filled it enough by the pitch of the note made by pouring the water.

RELAY - 2 years on

In September 2005, freshly graduated, I started out on a year of UCCF’s Relay training programme, working with students of Theology and Religious Studies in Cardiff University, under the umbrella of a little-known-about sector of UCCF called the Religious and Theological Studies Fellowship (RTSF) which aims to support theology students studying in secular universities.

Moving to Cardiff from Bristol to do this, my aim was to establish an RTSF group in the theology department. And, having done that, my focus for the year would be to spend my time nurturing this little group, reminding them of God’s light that shines even in the darkness that shrouds our universities’ theology departments, encouraging them to stand firm in the battle that is the lecture theatre, and helping them to see how Jesus’ Great Commission works out in the context of their classroom, with their course-mates and lecturers.

I learnt a lot. I am always in danger of forgetting things that God taught me that year, so I was delighted this afternoon to discover I something I wrote in June 2006, as I finished my Relay year, somewhat more dishevelled and broken than when I began:

“This year doing RTSF Relay in Cardiff has been one of ups and downs. I left the first relay training conference in September really excited about all the amazing things that would happen in Cardiff because of me, because of my amazing personality and skills. I thought Cardiff were so blessed to have someone as gifted as me working alongside them! I quickly discovered that I wasn’t the RTSF expert I thought I was, neither was I a people expert, and though God had blessed me with gifts, I was to use them for His glory alone and to rely on Him alone to work in the hearts of Cardiff’s students.

If I was to summarise the year in a word it would be this: HUMBLING. The work in Cardiff was slow – enthusing people was hard, enthusing myself was even harder! It took ages to get a group off the ground and for most of the year I found it hard to understand the reason why I was there. I didn’t always care about RTSF, I discovered I am much more selfish than I knew I was and that my heart is much more sinful than I thought it was.

But in this, in being broken over my sin and failure, I learned to trust God more than I ever had. I learned important lessons that I never want to forget – that God is faithful; that I can trust Him; that my standing before God isn’t based on what I do or how successful I am; that it is possible to keep on walking, even in the darkness, if only I keep clinging onto the hand of the one who never lets me go; that sin will always be deceitful and I will always be easily deceived, but grace is sufficient to cover all of my transgressions; that sometimes all that keeps us going is the hope of seeing Jesus face to face one day.

It has been an amazing year and there is lots to thank God for. We can thank God that there is now an RTSF group in Cardiff, and that I had the privilege of studying God’s Word with some amazing individuals – but most of all we can thank God for the reality of grace, that we who don’t even deserve a glimpse of the King have been invited into His courts, to sit with Him at His table and spend eternity with Him as His children.”

Tuesday, 2 October 2007


Imagine if...

instead of different flags, countries had different patterned contact lenses! Everyone in the country would have to wear them. It would be easier to tell what nationality someone was.

(Although on reflection...I can't really see how a contact lens could replace a flag since they don't really have the same role.)

Thursday, 20 September 2007

Picture: The temple we visited in Chiang Mai.

Words: The truths that we reminded ourselves of as we sang together on the way home.

Thursday, 13 September 2007


Me and Sarah were talking on the way home from badminton tonight about how kids aren't encouraged to use their imaginations anymore (it was the typical old lady-esque chatter - 'it's not how it used to be you know, not like the good old days...'!)

And it made me think...where are the days where I could imagine a whole world existing in the bathroom sink or the Christmas tree, or inside a pebble? When I was in Thailand I began to be more curious about the world again, I began to think sideways and upside down and 4 dimensionally. I remembered what it is like to plumb the depths of imagination and creativity. It was probably all those new things I was experiencing all the time.

So I have decided that I am going to use my imagination more. And I will write my imaginings here on this blog. They won't be like stories...I haven't got time to do that...just thoughts...or questions.

First one:

Is the colour pink innately girly? Or do we just associate it with girliness because it always has been? If every new generation had no knowledge at all of what previous generations had decided, would pink still be chosen to represent girls and blue to represent boys? Or would we choose something completely different? In fact, would we choose a colour to represent masculinity and femininity at all? Or this time would it perhaps be a shape or a sound?

"while washing tine remove clic plastic cramb catcher from clic bib"

I love things that make me laugh. And things that particularly make me laugh are things that make no sense! Yesterday my mum purchased a bib for my new nephew which contained the instructions shown in the picture. I especially liked:

"while washing tine remove clic plastic cramb catcher from clic bib."

As someone who self-confessedly thinks too much and feels the heaviness of this life frequently, finding humour in small things is a lifeline!

When I was in Thailand, with some of the funniest people I have ever met, I learned to appreciate humour in a new way. I realised that God is very gracious to allow us to enjoy and appreciate the small and random things in life. It seems to me (not wanting to sound too extreme or negative) that they make life bearable.

I am grateful for the gift of being able to find small things hilarious.

Other things I find funny at the moment (but also consistently) are:

- The world of would you rather
- The word dissassociation game
- Other people's creativity in the above games

Monday, 10 September 2007


To darken with, or as if with, clouds

To perceive by the visual faculty; see
To perceive through use of the mental faculty; comprehend
To look upon; gaze at

"We are all starved for the glory of God, not self. No-one goes to the grand canyon to increase self-esteem. Why do we go? Because there is greater healing for the soul in beholding splendour than there is in beholding self." - John Piper, Seeing and Savouring Jesus Christ.

Monday, 3 September 2007

Thailand Reflections...

For the last month I have been in Thailand.

I don't really know how to summarise my time there in a meaningful way, and yet I feel that I must.

Part of me wants to put into words all that I learnt about beholding the true light of Jesus even when life is beclouded and dark. But another part of me knows that I am still learning about this and wonders how I will ever be able to express it in words. That is the part that also knows that if I start trying too hard to put all that into words then this blog entry will become self-focussed and introspective.

Then there are parts of me that want to sing.

This is very rare for me. I rarely feel like singing...except to express sorrow.

But something has awakened within me. A desire to sing to express joy and love and deep confidence in who God is and what He will do.

These are the parts of me that I want to express right now. I want to tell of the wonderful things God has done...of who He is and what He will do.

God is at work in students' lives...and He has been through the generations. I became very aware in Thailand of the people that had gone before me. I was aware of standing on the shoulders of giants. And I was given the privilege of seeing a glimpse of how God's hand had been at work through those 'saints of old' as I was shown some of the fruit of their labours.

God is sovereign, even over all the stuff that doesn't seem to make any sense. It doesn't seem to make sense to me that so many people are wondering around in darkness, trying to 'make merit' for themselves when there is full, true and eternal righteousness available in Christ, through His death in our place. Visiting the Temple in Chiang Mai was a heart-wrenching reminder of how much people need Jesus, the 'light of the world', to shine His light into their dark lives. But equally, I was reminded that salvation belongs to God and He is completely sovereign and completely loving. Singing and praying together as a team on the way back from the temple in the song theaw was the refreshment our souls needed. Singing truths about God spoke confidence into the depths...

Our God is an awesome God
He reigns from heaven above,
with wisdom, power and love,
Our God is an awesome God.