Final favourite conversations with old people:

Finished work on Saturday. Here are some of the highlights of my final weeks there:


Old lady 1 (as I'm saying good night): "Turn the light off will you? It's cheaper than falling down the stairs"

Old lady 1 (at the dinner table): "They should do a test to see who has the most electrically wired utensils...and outfits! A test for fun!"

Old Lady 1 (While I am standing at her sink waiting for the water to warm up and she is sitting in her chair chattering away to herself as usual): "Ha ha ha...no children you see...ha ha ha....home-made escalator..."


Old Lady 2 (while I'm making her bed for her): "You're doing a good job there Bill"


Old Lady 3 (to ME): Can you hand me that bread-maker please Pam?
Me (Thinking "Pam?? Breadmaker??"): Bread-maker?
Old Lady 3: Yes that little black one on the table!
Me (all I can see is a remote control and a phone. The phone is white....): the remote control?
Old lady 3: Yes!

Names that old lady 3 (above) called me in the space of one conversation while I was giving her a bath:

Nicola
Geraldine
Angela
Josephine


Good times. I will miss them.

Favourite conversations with old people #5

Old lady: (pulling the corner of her cardigan as if trying to give it to me) Here you go! It's a big kiss!

Me: I don't think I really want one of those

Old lady: No? I'll just leave it on the side of the plate then.

Favourite conversations with old people #4

Me: (to old lady who is in a world of her own, trying to bring her back to the task at hand) You're on the toilet!

Old lady: Marvellous!! Who's on the honey?

Favourite conversations with old people #3

Lunchtime, in the dining room.

Old Lady: Oh you've got your mask on!

Me: No, this is my real face.

Sometimes I ache for heaven. I just long for the day when I will be with Jesus forever. It's not like things are rubbish in my life or anything, it's just that I'm VERY aware that this is not my home. I was made for more. We all were. My longings were not meant to be satisfied here. And so I ache inside for the day when they will be.

I long to be home.


In other news, here is my latest favourite conversation with an old person:

Me: Are you ready to come downstairs for lunch?

Old lady: Yes, I'm just getting my things together...do I look ok? Well I suppose it doesn't matter, it's not a fashion show is it!!

Me: Well if it is then I'm certainly not dressed for it!

Old lady: Oh you are!! I can imagine the commentary - 'and here comes the lady dressed in a beautiful white pinny (!?), with the finishing touches of a pair of black trousers! She didn't expect it, but she's the bell of the ball!'

My favourite conversations with old people:

Old lady 1: ‘I’ve been admiring your asbestos lawn – very nice!’

Old lady 1: [calls me over] ‘I don’t quite know how to approach this topic…but you know your green walking stick?...Well...I had it for Christmas [gives me a cheeky look]! I’ll try to use it in the correct way.’

Old lady 1: [whilst on the toilet] ‘We heard a tremendous noise the other night…so loud! It was like… it was like…what’s the word? It was like…….

Me: What was it like? [I’m thinking thunder?]

Old lady 1: ‘It was like a fart! And it was so long too, we were surprised at how long it was. It was at least 4 ft long!’

Me: [coming into bedroom to take dirty dishes away] 'Can I take your cup?'

Old lady 2: ‘Yes, but leave the saucer here for my…my…what’s it called? My otter.'

Me: 'Your otter???!!??'

Old lady 2: 'Yes, he comes up to see me sometimes [deadly serious].

[Half an hour later…]

Me: ‘Have you seen that otter?’

Old lady 2: 'No, I don’t know where he lives.'

Me: 'Probably a river'

Old lady 2: 'Well yes he lives in the river, but he hasn’t been up to see me. I’ve had to give my affections to a puma instead.'

Me: 'a PUMA???!!!'