Beclouded....but beholding the light

My favourite conversations with old people:

Old lady 1: ‘I’ve been admiring your asbestos lawn – very nice!’

Old lady 1: [calls me over] ‘I don’t quite know how to approach this topic…but you know your green walking stick?...Well...I had it for Christmas [gives me a cheeky look]! I’ll try to use it in the correct way.’

Old lady 1: [whilst on the toilet] ‘We heard a tremendous noise the other night…so loud! It was like… it was like…what’s the word? It was like…….

Me: What was it like? [I’m thinking thunder?]

Old lady 1: ‘It was like a fart! And it was so long too, we were surprised at how long it was. It was at least 4 ft long!’

Me: [coming into bedroom to take dirty dishes away] 'Can I take your cup?'

Old lady 2: ‘Yes, but leave the saucer here for my…my…what’s it called? My otter.'

Me: 'Your otter???!!??'

Old lady 2: 'Yes, he comes up to see me sometimes [deadly serious].

[Half an hour later…]

Me: ‘Have you seen that otter?’

Old lady 2: 'No, I don’t know where he lives.'

Me: 'Probably a river'

Old lady 2: 'Well yes he lives in the river, but he hasn’t been up to see me. I’ve had to give my affections to a puma instead.'

Me: 'a PUMA???!!!'